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January 26, 2009
I did not do my thankful list yesterday- because I am experiencing pangs of anger, and if I were to write the list right now, then I would end up being sarcastic- and though I love sarcasm, I don’t think you would enjoy seeing my thankfully sarcastic angry list.
Today was my first weigh in, and I lost 1.8 pounds. That’s very minimal for me, but I expected it to be very low because it always takes my body around a week to realize what I’m trying to accomplish. N is also doing this with me, and we have sort of a challenge. Have you ever seen those commercials, where the little animated woman is on a diet with her husband and she says something like, “HE quit drinking soda and lost 25 pounds. I stopped drinking soda, I haven’t had bread in two years, and I’ve lost 5 pounds.” That is N and I in real life.
I must admit that I am hopelessly addicted to CourtTv. I normally sit on my couch in my PJ’s watching daily court proceedings, which is educational, right?
January 20, 2009
It’s been awhile since I’ve shared another little piece. This has become quite the project!
“My earliest memories began after my mother left. I have to give credit to my father, for what he had to do during this time. His wife left him, he had to work overtime, and he had two kids to provide for. Needless to say, he clung to alcohol more than ever. I remember being very young, probably 2 or 3, being chased around the yard late at night by him riding a dirt bike with war paint on his face, screaming and yelling in efforts to scare me. I can still see his face. The way I stood there helpless as he looked at me and continued his illogical efforts, while I cried in fear. I know I ran frantically, as fast as my little legs could run in a diaper, and hearing him reve up the dirt bike right behind me.”
January 18, 2009
Its Sunday! Again! Goal check-up.
This week I started classes. I must tell you, that Real Estate Law is more dry than any subject I have ever taken in my entire life. To be fair, some things are interesting… such as what inheritance really is, or the history of real estate law, but for the most part, it makes me want to poke my eyeballs out with my automatic pencils. And, its only chapter one. L
As I mentioned before, Monday is when I start WW again. Will talk more about that later on.
On the job front… I have to be honest, it is VERY discouraging. I have not worked full-time consistently since 2003, and it’s been very difficult to even attempt to get back into the market with something that resembles my long ago occupation. I used to be stellar. I used to wear scarves and a French twist. I used to not have to worry about money that much, or at least the two of our incomes were sufficient enough to treat ourselves to a movie out or take on two car payments. We could just do it! Nowadays, nothing resembles our lives back then… I start to feel very overwhelmed sometimes, but then I stop- and take a look around. I feel like there are so many people in the same boat. I listen to the amount people are in debt, and they have two incomes! Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad after all. Actually, I’m kind of thankful… because things could be worse, and for some people they are.
But I still need a job, badly. To stimulate the economy. J
Which brings me to this weeks thankful list…
1. The highlighters that have the post-it flags in them.
2. Warmth.
3. My self-control, “keeping my hands out of the water”, so to speak.
4. My friends. Quality over Quantity.
5. My open mind.
6. The job I will have. I’m thankful already.
7. Netflix.
8. Miracle on the Hudson River.
9. Hope. Again. All of my days are practically the same… but one day, I trust and hope it will be different.
10. I’m thankful I have a mouth filter.
January 16, 2009
Somebody, somewhere… is on a sandy beach, wearing Bermuda shorts with a margarita in hand, dancing around a fire and doing the limbo, with the crowd chanting, “How low can you go!?!?”
This morning, I was chanting the exact same thing while sitting in the truck watching the outside temperature register:
Outside temp: – 15.
Disclaimer: Everyone has their hobbies and silly games they play. Some like to make rubber band balls, or make birdfeeders out of dried gords. I like to capture below zero temperature changes with my camera phone. No judgements, please.
January 13, 2009
Last year, I opened up my heart, my body, my life on a blog- while I was going through invitro. It was really a tough time for me, and for a few months after, there was talk that I might be able to do it again. I lived and breathed the hope to have a baby.
Then things happened. Life happened.
I haven’t spoken much about it at all on my blog in the last few months, trying to gear the blog in a direction that was more aimed at making my life a happier place. Things have certainly changed in every area. My perspective is different. My relationships have changed with a lot of people. Circumstances have changed the way I look at things. I have been doing some pretty intense therapy… and analyzing what means what in my life. My only life. This life.
So I started on this journey. A new me. What makes me happy? What makes me sad? Who am I really? Who am I to others? What have I learned? It has all been a constant look about the future. I have hung question marks over the relationship I hold with others… changing what needs to be changing… and really just waiting.
I really have to be honest on my own blog, as well as being honest in my life. And I must admit, that not a day goes by- without that baby ache. It is still very hard for me to talk about, without a tear or a shaky voice. I pretend that it is all behind me. I have better things to do. Yet, it is still there.
Sometimes it hits me when I’m doing the dishes, wondering if I will ever be washing bottles. Other times it hits me while shopping, and I see a mother buying baby food. I think about the investment she is making- about how wonderful it must be to know that even if your life sucks, you still have smiling children looking back at you across from the dinner table. There are times when it hits me while talking to one of my best friends, Melissa… how run down and spread thin she really is… but I know deep inside that she wouldn’t trade it for the world, and her life is a whole lot richer with having her children in her life.
… One day, I will be there too. I have to believe there is a time for everything.
December 21, 2008
Hi Folks, sorry I haven’t written in awhile, I have been busy!
Everything here is well. I wanted to share with you some photos of the parade here in town. I rode in it with my cousin Leanne, representing her resturant.
December 17, 2008
I arrived safely in Maine and no travel stories to tell.
Here is a pic from the sky of Maine:
And ten points to anyone who can tell me what this clip is for. Is it a bottle opener? A clip to hang your purse on? Or something annoying that catches your hair everytime you reach down to your carry-on.
More pics to come!
December 15, 2008
Tomorrow I am leaving for Maine.
I should be trying to figure out how to put 232 fleeces in a suitcase the size of a tissue box.
Or how to get 80 bottles of a womans cosemetic needs in 3 ounces bottles that fit nicely in a quart size ziploc bag.
This is not going well.
I promise to post pictures and updates… and any funny stories that happy on my travels. Remember last time? The woman who said, “Get up and walk” ?
I also have my next two What Makes You Happy victim’s pegged…
Stay tuned!
November 29, 2008
Martini has nothing to do with this blog, other than the fact that its a fun word to say and it sounds good at the moment.
Things have been quite blah for me lately, which unfortunately doesn’t leave me a whole lot to say here. Although we had a quiet and delicious Thanksgiving, I wish I could somehow fast forward through the holidays and straight into the new year. Do you every have time’s like that? I wish I could escape the boxes of Christmas decorations in my garage, but I get them out and unload everything throughout the house because its expected of me. People are depending on me to make their holiday a great one. Its similar to the feeling when you have to get up and make breakfast for everyone… but you are sooo tired. You know you have to do it- but if you had your choice, you’d sit this one out.
I’m a ball of sunshine here aren’t I? J
Okay, here’s another excerpt from my writing project. I feel like I really need to preface this, but I’m not really sure how to do it without saying it is what it is. Hopefully I do a good enough job to make you feel like you were there… even though you wouldn’t want to be.
“A few months later, (we) returned to California for the trial. Our days were spent meeting with the lawyers at the courthouse, though most of my time was spent sitting on the benches outside while mom spoke with them. I was assigned a victims advocate, a woman who spoke with me and prepared me for the upcoming trial. She took me around to the courtroom when it was empty, and showed me what it was like.
“You will sit here”, she said, in an upbeat voice as she tapped the wood in front of the witness stand.
When the day came for my testimony, I sat outside waiting for what seemed like an eternity as the liaison waited with me. I remember sitting on the wood bench, staring at the huge stones in the flooring of the tile, watching people walk by. Eventually the door opened and nodded to my liaison.
When I walked through the door, it was much different than when I saw it when it was empty. This time where were a lot of people, littering the jury box, the judge in the front, people at tables and in what looked like church pews. The courtroom was quiet as I slowly walked to the front, following my liaison. I stepped up into the witness stand, and it was then that I felt his stare. I tried not to make eye contact, but I could still feel his presence. I was sworn in, and the sharp dressed laywers began their questioning.
When the first question was asked, I nodded yes. The judge told me that I needed to speak because someone was recording what I was saying, and that I had to say words.
The prosecutor asked me a question again, and I nodded yes again. I heard members of the jury chuckle. I have to say words, I reminded myself as they started again.
I was asked a lot of questions, ones I’m sure they knew the answer to.
“Where did he touch you,” the lawyer asked. I felt an elephant sit on my chest. The longer I sat there, the heavier the glares were, coming from every direction. I knew they were all anticipating my answer, they were thirsty for it. They needed to hear it, yet I didn’t know how to say it. I somehow found a way.
“Do you recognize this?” An attorney asked. He held up my white nightgown, with purple trim that I last saw in Ginger’s hands, the only time she had spoken about it to me. Yes, that is what I was wearing, I said.
“Do you see that man in this courtroom today?” he asked.
I glanced over to my right, and there he sat in between a group of men. His stare locked with my eyes as I turned to look at him.
“Yes.” I said.
“Can you point him out?” the prosecutor asked.
My finger pointed to him, and I followed the direction of my finger all the way to the man it was pointing to. The courtroom was silent, there were so many people watching me. My voice echoed against the walls of the courtroom. The judge sat slightly above me and watched me, I felt slightly intimidated. Why were so many people were so interested in what had happened to me, and what I had to say? Eventually the questioning stopped, and I was dismissed. I was happy to see the flooring in the hallway, and felt a huge sigh of relief when I climbed back up on the wooden bench after my highly anticipated testimony was over. It was finally all over.”
