A Look Back. A Step Forward.

If you walked through a department store lately, you can definitely tell that is the New Year is here. Where there were once Christmas wreaths and selections for presents, there is now aisles worth of exercise equipment, weight loss drugs, workout clothing, etc. It kind of humors me that places like Wal-Mart and Target predict what all of our New Year’s Resolutions will be…

Before I present mine, I have to sit back and digest what 2008 meant for me. It’s very much like taking down your decorations and packing them up… taking down each ornament like an event in your life, looking and admiring it for whatever it was, and putting it away to make room for something else… something new.

2008 was rough year for me. I must disclose that I always say that… but I’d like to share with you what 2008 represents for me. But most importantly, what I have learned, or continued to learn in a different way.

1.       Doing what is right for you, will likely be wrong to others. And that is okay.

2.       Your dreams and desires, no matter how strong, may not come true, no matter how unfair.

3.       Continually investing in relationships that are not reciprocated is more unhealthy than you think.

4.       You really do teach people how to treat you.

5.       If you don’t reach others expectations of you, the problem lies with them, not you.

6.       You’re either with me, or you’re not.

7.       Your family consists of people who love and support you, and who you are. It is not about blood, birth certificates, or last names.

8.       Laughing IS the best medicine.

9.       If you can’t change the bigger things, change the smaller things.

10.   The best giver is the one who gives, but doesn’t advertise.

 

So in theme with the New Year, here are my personal goals and objectives for 2009. The term resolutions is so overrated- really, and often forgot by the end of January. Sometimes sooner.

1.       Secure a job that I am deserving of. Flipping hamburgers? No. Wearing pumps and a headscarf to work? Yes.

2.       Continue to take 2-4 classes in every semester in school, and maintain straight A’s.

3.       Lose weight. Think, Titanic to dingy.

4.       Pay off all debt.

5.       Speak up.

6.       Maintain relationships that are healthy for me, and drop off the ones that are unsupportive.

7.       Birthday cards? I’ll have to think about this one some more… okay, at least E-cards.

8.       Volunteer.

9.       Celebrate who I am.

10.   Stop giving what I can’t afford/ To Thine Own Self Be True.

 

HELLO 2009!

 

Seasons…reasons.

I have an embarrassing amount of flip flops in my closet. I honestly don’t know what my love affair for them comes from… the fact that they are easy to slip on and off, or that they remind me of summer, or that they come in many different styles.

There is nearly a foot of snow on the ground- if not more. The parking lots already have their annual winter snow as you can see here.

(See the cars off to the right for height comparison)

 

 The snow has been falling for awhile, but tonight I gave up my denial and decided that its time for the beloved flops and capris, and string bikini that I have absolutely never worn (in public)  to be put in a box in the corner of my closet for hibernation for the long winter. (My Tort cousin’s are in the exact same predicament in California…)

So in the middle of my closet upheaval and rotation, I happened to pick up a box that contained my graduation autograph book. Close friends and family had signed little notes to me, wishing me the best in the future. They almost all were identical… follow God, you are so talented, stay sweet and loving. That was ten years ago. I’m so not where I wanted to be- but I know not everyone ends up where they thought they would.

There is a black cloud that has been following me for awhile… that I am finally able to break through from and no longer have the excuse of it being over my head. This new year will bring so much hope, so much promise… and I look forward to it. I’m promising to be better to myself. To set healthy boundaries. But most of all, I am promising that I continue to invest in myself that will eventually lead me to where I feel I need to be. 

There is no denying that winter is here. The shovels, windshield scrapers, snow salt- on your car, shoes, sidewalk, hair?!?!, messy boots, warming the cars, gloves, bulky winter jackets, dragging the shopping carts through the snow, icicles… though in all of it’s nuisances, winter is necessary in nature.

                And I have to believe… that my personal winter is necessary too.

                See you in the Spring, lovely flip flops.

 

Pumpkin Ponder…

A couple weeks ago, I stumbled upon a sale for pie pumpkins. Pie pumpkins are the smaller pumpkins in the grocery store. So I bought some. Okay, I bought ten. Driving home I meticously planned to puree all of it- thus visions of pumpkin pie, soups, breads and other random pumpkin treats danced in my head.

For the rest of the afternoon, I stood next to the counter sawing, chopping, seeding and scrapping all ten those darn pumpkins. When I finished, I had cookie sheets spread out all over my counter ready to roast my pumpkin parts, after which I would skin, puree, and freeze my liquid gold.  Didn’t you hear it is supposed to be a long winter? We may have snow up to our rooftops but as God is my witness I will have pumpkin puree for pies!

“It’s healthier!” I announced, trying to get N & B to buy into my thought process. “No perservatives! The REAL stuff! Really homemade!”

When all was done, my feet were swollen, I had a few burns, and a few uncooperative pumpkins who were banished to my garden for decoration- which ended up getting covered in snow,  but I had my pumpkin puree in my baggies, neatly stored in my freezer – ready to be challenged at a moment’s notice.

And then, nothing. I didn’t bake, because the work and puree itself was far too valuable. I haven’t made soup or breads either, because the thought of running out of my precious puree makes my heart crack like a pumpkin seed.  At the same time, I think about the possibility of the electricity going out and it all spoiling…

I worry about these kinds of things in my life also. Working hard for goals, or saving things for a rainy day, or waiting to live each day like its your last. How do you find some sort of balance… where should you expire early, your last thought doesn’t begin with “I should have…”. 

I’m trying to find that balance.

It starts tonight with pumpkin pie.

 

Plans…

I have been sick for the past few days with some bug and fighting a fever. Meanwhile I’m taking control of my life and the only thing I have the energy for at the moment is where the thermometer is going. So far, so good.

I have a lot to say, and in the upcoming months you will be able to read all about it in this blog. Its really heartbreaking to me that a lot of my old posts from the other blog did not make it to this new one before it was deleted. Eventually I hope to recapture it all. I’m so happy to know that my writing is being read and in demand!!

Just a quick note… plans have changed so much that I just want to catch you all up.

The first week in November I will be going to Maine to be with my Aunt Phyllis and Uncle Tony. (remember my post about them in the old blog? L ) I will be there until a week before Christmas. Then I will come back to NY, where Neil and I will start counseling together. I start school in January- which I’m totally excited about!

Like I said… there will be a lot to say along the way. So stay tuned.