Last year, I opened up my heart, my body, my life on a blog- while I was going through invitro. It was really a tough time for me, and for a few months after, there was talk that I might be able to do it again. I lived and breathed the hope to have a baby.
Then things happened. Life happened.
I haven’t spoken much about it at all on my blog in the last few months, trying to gear the blog in a direction that was more aimed at making my life a happier place. Things have certainly changed in every area. My perspective is different. My relationships have changed with a lot of people. Circumstances have changed the way I look at things. I have been doing some pretty intense therapy… and analyzing what means what in my life. My only life. This life.
So I started on this journey. A new me. What makes me happy? What makes me sad? Who am I really? Who am I to others? What have I learned? It has all been a constant look about the future. I have hung question marks over the relationship I hold with others… changing what needs to be changing… and really just waiting.
I really have to be honest on my own blog, as well as being honest in my life. And I must admit, that not a day goes by- without that baby ache. It is still very hard for me to talk about, without a tear or a shaky voice. I pretend that it is all behind me. I have better things to do. Yet, it is still there.
Sometimes it hits me when I’m doing the dishes, wondering if I will ever be washing bottles. Other times it hits me while shopping, and I see a mother buying baby food. I think about the investment she is making- about how wonderful it must be to know that even if your life sucks, you still have smiling children looking back at you across from the dinner table. There are times when it hits me while talking to one of my best friends, Melissa… how run down and spread thin she really is… but I know deep inside that she wouldn’t trade it for the world, and her life is a whole lot richer with having her children in her life.
… One day, I will be there too. I have to believe there is a time for everything.
February 7, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Okay, I am SO behind on the blog. Very related to what we talked about today and where I’ve been with things.
Anyhoo, I think 28 is still a young age with years of amazing opportunity ahead of you. Let me explain myself. I think you are taking some much needed time to focus on you and your education and taking care of yourself, and as we both know (and that I am desperately trying to put into action) you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. I think that means babies, too. ; ) So, it WILL all come together when the time is just right.
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this comment since it’s now Feb. (unless you have an alert email generated to you or something) but I just had to say it.
xoxo – Love you,
Tawnie