Doer.

Sometimes there are a lot of places I would like to be…

Today, I wish I was in Santa Barbara celebrating Melissa’s birthday with her as we sip cosmo’s and get massages.

Or, sitting on a warm tropical beach surrounded with loved ones and soaking up the sun… perhaps with a cosmo.

Perhaps sitting on the floor with my nephews, and even my soon-to-be niece, playing and attempting to make them belly laugh.

I would love to be hiking through a dense forest on a trail that runs parallel to a babbling brook, taking in the mountain fresh air and the beauty around me.

Or on a boat getting ready to scuba dive and swim with the fish.

But most of all, I wish that I was able to participate in all the searches that go on for missing children. Right now, specifically for Haleigh Cummings. My heart always gets so wrapped up in stories like hers. From Natalee Holloway to Laci Peterson, I have followed it all and I have not missed a beat. I have studied victimology  and I have often followed the case through the trials. Perhaps is the feeling that I need to do something to help. Perhaps I see a little part of me in each and every one of them. My heart gets wrapped up in their stories. In the details. In the legal documents. I always feel compelled to help, in some way. It’s heartbreaking to hear these things happen… but for me its also heartbreaking to not be there to be able to help.

… there are two kinds of people. Thinkers, and doers.

I hope that one day I will be in a place that I can be a doer.

 

No new words…

No new words right now… will return shortly!

 

Poundcake: Week 1

I did not do my thankful list yesterday- because I am experiencing pangs of anger, and if I were to write the list right now, then I would end up being sarcastic- and though I love sarcasm, I don’t think you would enjoy seeing my thankfully sarcastic angry list.

 

Today was my first weigh in, and I lost 1.8 pounds. That’s very minimal for me, but I expected it to be very low because it always takes my body around a week to realize what I’m trying to accomplish. N is also doing this with me, and we have sort of a challenge. Have you ever seen those commercials, where the little animated woman is on a diet with her husband and she says something like, “HE quit drinking soda and lost 25 pounds. I stopped drinking soda, I haven’t had bread in two years, and I’ve lost 5 pounds.” That is N and I in real life.

 

I must admit that I am hopelessly addicted to CourtTv. I normally sit on my couch in my PJ’s watching daily court proceedings, which is educational, right?

 

 

Another taste….

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared another little piece. This has become quite the project!

“My earliest memories began after my mother left. I have to give credit to my father, for what he had to do during this time. His wife left him, he had to work overtime, and he had two kids to provide for. Needless to say, he clung to alcohol more than ever. I remember being very young, probably 2 or 3, being chased around the yard late at night by him riding a dirt bike with war paint on his face, screaming and yelling in efforts to scare me. I can still see his face. The way I stood there helpless as he looked at me and continued his illogical efforts, while I cried in fear. I know I ran frantically, as fast as my little legs could run in a diaper, and hearing him reve up the dirt bike right behind me.”

 

Poundcake: Week 1

Weight is a very personal issue for me… I have struggled with it practically all my life. I have read a lot of books and at times when on CRAZY diet trends trying to find the secret. In all honesty- some of them worked, but hardly any of them were easy to stick to.

When I was 20, I lost about 40 pounds in a very short period of time. I honestly didn’t even know I was doing it. What I remember most about that time is I would eat Taco Bell once a day, eat a LOT of apples, and I jogged (Melissa likes the fact that my joggin music was Britney Spears- sorry to say). Was this entirely healthy? Absolutely not. But before I knew it, one day I looked down while I was driving and I noticed that I didn’t have a belly. When I went to the store to get some new jeans- to my surprise not only had I gone down in weight, but I also went down 4 sizes.

After I lost that weight- it was the BEST feeling in the world. I carried myself a whole lot differently, and in projected into other areas of my life. I was confident. I felt worth-it. Those of you who have lost weight will understand the difference.

Then, it all came back. Life happened.

As a common theme for my goals this year, is to put me back in the equation of my life. Taking the out-of-control wheel that has been spinning for awhile and to absolutely drive myself exactly where I want to be. It won’t be easy- but this isn’t my first rodeo.

So, every Monday from here until the end of the year I will check in and post my weight loss progress. If you feel you have particular advice, tips or comments/question then I welcome you to share them in the comments section.

Here is my before picture:

 

One last note… I don’t normally *believe* in horoscopes, however I find them rather entertaining. Once in a great while I come across some good ones. Today is one of my favorites- as it seems to pretty much sum up my entire life:

Monday, Jan 19th, 2009 – Even the smartest plans could fall apart today, but don’t waste energy worrying about what might have been. Instead, concentrate on what is. There is too much at stake to be attached to an idea that isn’t working the way you envisioned. Your greatest strength is your flexibility; as you respond to the changing currents, you’ll figure out an even better way to reach your goals.

 

Sunday checkup from the neckup.

Its Sunday! Again! Goal check-up.

This week I started classes. I must tell you, that Real Estate Law is more dry than any subject I have ever taken in my entire life. To be fair, some things are interesting… such as what inheritance really is, or the history of real estate law, but for the most part, it makes me want to poke my eyeballs out with my automatic pencils. And, its only chapter one. L

As I mentioned before, Monday is when I start WW again. Will talk more about that later on.

On the job front… I have to be honest, it is VERY discouraging. I have not worked full-time consistently since 2003, and it’s been very difficult to even attempt to get back into the market with something that resembles my long ago occupation. I used to be stellar. I used to wear scarves and a French twist. I used to not have to worry about money that much, or at least the two of our incomes were sufficient enough to treat ourselves to a movie out or take on two car payments. We could just do it! Nowadays, nothing resembles our lives back then… I start to feel very overwhelmed sometimes, but then I stop- and take a look around. I feel like there are so many people in the same boat. I listen to the amount people are in debt, and they have two incomes! Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad after all.  Actually, I’m kind of thankful… because things could be worse, and for some people they are.

But I still need a job, badly. To stimulate the economy. J

Which brings me to this weeks thankful list…

1.       The highlighters that have the post-it flags in them.

2.       Warmth.

3.       My self-control, “keeping my hands out of the water”, so to speak.

4.       My friends. Quality over Quantity.

5.       My open mind.

6.       The job I will have. I’m thankful already.

7.       Netflix.

8.       Miracle on the Hudson River.

9.       Hope. Again. All of my days are practically the same… but one day, I trust and hope it will be different.

10.   I’m thankful I have a mouth filter.

 

We all have our hobby’s…

Somebody, somewhere… is on a sandy beach, wearing Bermuda shorts with a margarita in hand, dancing around a fire and doing the limbo, with the crowd chanting, “How low can you go!?!?”

This morning, I was chanting the exact same thing while sitting in the truck watching the outside temperature register:

Outside temp:  – 15.

Disclaimer: Everyone has their hobbies and silly games they play. Some like to make rubber band balls, or make birdfeeders out of dried gords. I like to capture below zero temperature changes with my camera phone. No judgements, please.

 

Goal check-up…

So, when I said I had goals this year- I wasn’t joking. This isn’t like the time I decided to learn how to knit. Or, that I was going to be some famous cake decorator. Or, the time I started private investigation.

No, people this is serious. I have momentum. And granted, it is only- two weeks into the New Year, I really mean business!! Some things on my list I don’t have control over after a certain point… I just have to do what I can do, leave no stone unturned, and send it out into the universe and hope that it comes back to me. And it will, because its 2009. This is my year. This isn’t the year of the monkey. Or dog. This is the year of D-E-A-N-N-A.

Today was the first day of school. I wore my pajamas.

Four days until D-day. I’m starting Weight Watchers, for the 3204582309458th time. Normal people go to the meetings, or even do it online. Not I. I’m cheap. And on a budget. I’m doing it alone, since I have all the items, etc. I decided I will post my weekly progress here- because it will keep me accountable. Then if I skip a week, you all can yell at me. Sound good?

I hope everyone is staying warm. It’s below zero here. I was standing at the gas pump today and I started wondering if anyone’s hands has ever frozen to the handle of the pump- you know, like A Christmas Story kind of way. I started pondering about it so much that I switched hands every 10 seconds. And then I started wondering what would I actually do if that happened? Your not supposed to use your cell phone at the pump… so you couldn’t call for help. The gas station attendant was probably restocking chips on the other side of the store, and wouldn’t notice or see if anything was wrong. So,  I decided, that if that ever truly happened to me- that I would have to pee on my own hand, to unfreeze it from the pump handle.

I’ll stop now.

 

A little bit of honesty…

Last year, I opened up my heart, my body, my life on a blog- while I was going through invitro. It was really a tough time for me, and for a few months after, there was talk that I might be able to do it again. I lived and breathed the hope to have a baby.

 

Then things happened. Life happened.

I haven’t spoken much about it at all on my blog in the last few months, trying to gear the blog in a direction that was more aimed at making my life a happier place. Things have certainly changed in every area. My perspective is different. My relationships have changed with a lot of people. Circumstances have changed the way I look at things. I have been doing some pretty intense therapy… and analyzing what means what in my life. My only life. This life.

So I started on this journey. A new me. What makes me happy? What makes me sad? Who am I really? Who am I to others? What have I learned? It has all been a constant look about the future. I have hung question marks over the relationship I hold with others… changing what needs to be changing… and really just waiting.

I really have to be honest on my own blog, as well as being honest in my life. And I must admit, that not a day goes by- without that baby ache. It is still very hard for me to talk about, without a tear or a shaky voice. I pretend that it is all behind me. I have better things to do. Yet, it is still there.

Sometimes it hits me when I’m doing the dishes, wondering if I will ever be washing bottles. Other times it hits me while shopping, and I see a mother buying baby food. I think about the investment she is making- about how wonderful it must be to know that even if your life sucks, you still have smiling children looking back at you across from the dinner table. There are times when it hits me while talking to one of my best friends, Melissa… how run down and spread thin she really is… but I know deep inside that she wouldn’t trade it for the world, and her life is a whole lot richer with having her children in her life.

… One day, I will be there too. I have to believe there is a time for everything.

 

Sunday check up…

I haven’t written much lately, but that’s only because I have nothing interesting to say, other than the fact I went to Target this week and walked around with my fly down. That’s hardly worth reading really.

Please, please, please keep your fingers crossed, prayers, and your visuals for me to get a job. I have faxed my resume everywhere, applications are out, I wasted no time and hit the ground running upon my return from Maine.

I decided to start doing a weekly thankful list- that I will post every Sunday. It’s good for the soul to be reminded of things that you are thankful for, even when you don’t feel things are going very well. It’s uncomfortable actually… but it’s healthy.

This week, I am thankful for…

1.       A fax service that allows you to fax things right from your computer to a fax machine, and vice versa.

2.       My sheets. I really love my sheets.

3.       My cell phone. I feel truly alone here, and the cell phone keeps me connected to loved ones.

4.       Coffee.

5.       The way Sasha wouldn’t leave my side upon my return. If I moved from one end of the couch to the other, she would too just to be near me.

6.       The way N & B give me fun challenges that keep my life interesting. Like, 14 days of chicken- how many different ways I can make it for dinner and keep their bellies happy.

7.       My dependable vehicle.

8.       That I picked the right degree program. Although intimidating, the more and more I learn, the more and more I find that I could be very happy doing what I am studying for. I look forward to being at service for clients and finding out the truth.

9.       Snow plows.

10.   Hope.